I'm Only As Old As I Feel

As you can tell by my lack of current blog posts, life is starting to fly by faster than I can handle. So much has been happening to our family, and I feel I have less time than ever before to stop and truly reflect on it. On inescapable thought has been on my mind over the last several months: I am getting older, and I am becoming a different person than I was when I was first married. Just last week, I had my first mammogram (see the lovely picture above, with all the smiling women wearing pink shirts & ribbons? That's not how you feel during a mammogram!). It was nothing more than a standard screening exam, but just the fact that I have to have yearly exams now is a reminder that my body is sloooowly starting to pass its peak.

The other (more obvious) reminder of my age is my constant physical exhaustion, which renders me unable to do anything constructive for large portions of the day and night. Exhaustion sometimes feels like my constant companion, and decreased productivity seems like the new normal most days. It can be disheartening.

There's an old saying that "you're only as old as you feel." I have frequently been asking myself how old I am supposed to feel. It's a tough question! After all, I turned forty years old this past October; for a lot of people, that means their lives are already more than halfway done. (Eeek!!) Is my life halfway over? Have I done enough with it? Do I have any major, huge milestones on the way, and if so, am I preparing for them properly? What does it mean for me, now, to "act my age?" None of these questions have clear answers to me any more, and some days that is troubling.

If forty is an age where I need to start focusing on "dignity" and "maturity," I may be out of luck, given my penchant for frivolous pursuits & time-wasting (See: my trip to Comic-Con this last July). But maybe "acting my age" is actually associated with the ages of my children, and how their development as people mirrors my development as a parent. Some days I think that metric would be preferable; I started having children at an older age than most LDS women (I turned 29 shortly after my first daughter was born), so a lot of people think Nathan and I are several years younger than we actually are. I am usually happy to maintain that illusion!

So how old do I feel...and how old does that actually make me? That answer changes from day to day. On my fortieth birthday, I spent much of the day weeping and feeling sorry for myself; I swore I wouldn't do that, but then couldn't help myself when the time came! The only bright side to that day was the presence of my parents, who arrived in town the weekend before my birthday on a semi-surprise visit (I knew they were coming, but the kids were pleasantly blindsided). It lifted my spirits more than I can say to have my parents with me. I love them so much; I know they have troubles and challenges of their own, but they are never anything but supportive to me and my family. They always are ready to lend a hand or a supportive word, and I will always love them dearly. Even though I felt it was "okay" to cry a little around them, they also helped me soon snap out of my "turning forty" funk, and try to look for the positive side of aging.


I suspect that last fall, as I approached my birthday, much of my behavior involved denial. I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't getting "too old" to do stuff; I wanted to prove I was just as active and capable as I'd always been. Probably the biggest way I expressed this was through my physical activity. For the last few years, I've taken part in the Pecan Classic, a run held annually in the large pecan orchards near our home. There are three different runs held every year: a family 1.5K "fun run;" a 5K; and an 8.5 miler. I had run the fun run my first year; two years later, I ran the 5K. But in 2016, I vowed I would run the 8.5 mile course...easily the longest run I'd ever attempted.

Note the "Pecan Classic" shirt, from a previous year!

I knew that if I was going to run that long of a distance, I would have to train pretty extensively for it. As soon as the school year started, I began to run more frequently than I'd ever done before...and I made more frequent trips to our clubhouse gym as well, to build my endurance. I also sought out opportunities to hike and walk. For example, on Labor Day, we hiked among the hills of Kartchner Caverns State Park with the Tonks, some family friends of ours.

It was not the most intense hike I've been on, but it was exposed and it was hot, and the kids did a bit of complaining. But I enjoyed it nonetheless; I love hiking and always enjoy a new challenge. I wonder if that makes me "less than forty," age-wise?

As the fall days grew cooler, my runs (I tried to run twice a week) started getting longer and longer. I surprised myself with my endurance! I wasn't going for any speed records; when I was tired, I walked until I could run again. I listened to music and tried to keep my thoughts calm and untroubled. I was never under an illusion that I'd be a serious "contender" in my run attempt; I am a pitifully slow runner, and didn't expect to get much faster before the Classic. All I wanted from the experience, in Rocky parlance, was to "go the distance": I wanted to finish the race under my own power, and have a positive experience.

And when the day finally came (it was the next day after catching the Lindsey Stirling concert!), I felt ready. Not amazing, but ready to make the attempt. I was happy that my girls also decided to participate in the Pecan Classic: Lorelai ran the 5K (this was her second 5K...she ended up getting third in her age group!), and Celeste opted for the fun run (it was her first run ever! I was very proud of her). We ran briefly together at the beginning of the race, before having to go our own separate ways. I was on my own for a long stretch of time, but my tough daughters were often in my thoughts.

When I crossed the finish line, I was pooped...but not falling-on-the-ground dead. That was a good sign!! In fact, I had no muscle fatigue the following day or even that afternoon; my body felt great! I was definitely tired, but I felt I had really accomplished something of value. Even though I'd celebrated my fortieth birthday just a few weeks before, I felt more fit than I had in many years (certainly more fit than after having three kids' worth of baby weight!). I had shed many pounds over the last three years, and I am convinced that is a big reason for my improved running performance.

I know I will never be a world-class runner (I was sixth-to-last in the entire 8.5-mile group!), but I now know I can accomplish a hard thing, and that I can push myself harder than I thought. I recognize I will not be running 8.5 mile runs every year for the rest of my life, but it is still an encouraging thought to know that I have done one such race. Just five years ago, I hated running and refused to consider ever doing it. Now, I feel energized and empowered by it. True, I sometimes hate running while doing it, but I have discovered the famed "runner's high" that accompanies distance running; the feeling of exhilaration that comes after tackling a significant distance. I don't know how many other big runs I will do in the near future (more, I hope!), but I will forever be grateful that I was able to do this one.

As I have been settling into forty, I am starting to look at my experience in the Pecan Classic (as well as many other recent experiences) and truly cherish them and realize how lucky and blessed I really am. The world is not a perfect place; many people suffer through great trials every day and sometimes face horrific challenges. I do not know why I have had a relatively fortunate life, but I know that God is the one I can truly thank for it.

Nathan and I both wanted to celebrate our fortieth birthdays in style; since mine came first, I decided to do a taste-test birthday party, featuring multiple versions of the same type of food for everyone to sample. We did a party like this many years ago and it was great fun; so we decided to repeat it again. This time, the party came in the midst of an incredibly busy October, and so it was planned and executed in a pretty haphazard fashion. But lots of people came, and it was so much fun all the same!

I didn't get a chance to take any pictures during the actual party; I was too busy talking to the friends who came to celebrate with me. It was humbling to see how many people showed up (and many more who sent their regards; even though many of our friends have moved away, it was so nice to be reminded that we have many close by who love us!). I also got to see these very cute posters drawn by my kids (these posters were put up on my actual birthday, but I loved them so much I left them up for weeks!).

 

 The joy I felt at seeing so many of my loved ones in one spot made me feel truly young. Parties are a bit hard on my nervous system these days (sometimes I prefer a quiet evening with a book), but they can be so exhilarating as well. I am so grateful for the many loving family members and friends in my life; they give me a taste of what heaven will be like. My body may be getting older, but my heart and spirit still feel like there is so much living left to do. I suspect my forties could be one of my greatest decades yet! I have the confidence that comes with experience, combined with a growing family I love with all my heart. I can't wait to see what comes next, and I will be grateful to my Father in Heaven for everything I get.