So Now What Do I Do?

Well, my girls are all in school now. On the first day, I dropped each of them off one at a time in their classes; everybody was excited, nobody cried, and everything went smoothly. Right after drop-off, I had a breakfast date with a bunch of friends who had also sent their youngest to school, so we could all commiserate with each other. Plus, I had several small errands to run later that morning, so the day flew by. I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that I was spending a large portion of the day alone.

But it was the second and third day of school where things started to sink in a little bit. I drove through the carpool lane, opened the door, and watched them pile out of the car and into school. They gave me quick smiles and waves, sometimes cheerfully yelling "BYE, MOM!" as they ran towards their friends. And as I watched them walk away, my heart started to break a little bit. As I drove away from the school, I would start crying. It was becoming clear that I, like my girls, was "on my own." No longer would they be the main focus of my entire day; no longer would I have to worry about running errands with my kids in tow. I wouldn't need so many babysitters any more; I didn't need to worry about scheduling play dates during the day to keep the girls (and myself!) from going crazy with boredom. The house would be a lot quieter. Cleaner, yes, but undeniably quieter.

Now that I have realized that this "school" thing isn't just a short-term thing, but a permanent shift in our family's lifestyle, I have started asking myself this question every day, "So now what do I do?" I'm sure it's a question many of you have asked yourselves on occasion. Maybe it's a question many of you are still asking yourselves, long after your kids have gone to school. I have a feeling it's a question I'll be asking myself for a long time. I knew this day was coming, I had all of last school year to prepare, and yet I still didn't find myself "ready." Or maybe, just like having children in the first place, there is no way to be fully prepared...you just have to figure it out as you go along.

The kids have only been in school for a few weeks now (and things seem to be going pretty well so far, thank goodness), but I have still been on a roller coaster of conflicting emotions and ideas. Do I go out immediately and look for a job? Do I find community service projects to do every day? Do I get together with my friends and exercise every morning, becoming ripped and buff and having the body of my dreams? Or do I sit on the couch all day, catching up on the television I've desperately wanted to watch but couldn't with the kids around? Do I eat bon-bons while watching said television programs? I'll confess: all of these options have sounded pretty good at some point. But which of those options will be the best for me? The best for our family? The best for my kids? These are the questions I have a harder time answering.

When I was pregnant with Lorelai, I was working full-time in a kitchen design office. I told myself I'd return to work full-time as soon as my kids were in school. Now that day has come, and I feel very differently. Even though they're in school all day, my kids need me to be home; to be available for them when they need physical, emotional, and spiritual support. Besides that, I miss them during the day and enjoy the (fewer) hours we share together in the evening! However, the cold pragmatic side of myself likes to look at our bank balance and our credit limit and itch to get back to work (right now, I'm not picky about where; there will be time for that later). It's been an interesting balance to strike.

During my darker moments, I have let these ponderings get away from me, and I have started to fret about my place in life, and my worth as a person and as a contributing member of the family. I'm not a breadwinner, I'm not a caretaker...what am I, exactly, during these empty hours? Don't worry...most of the time, I'm not super depressed or anything. But I'm going through an identity crisis and I suspect it will take a while to solve.

Right now, the only way I can think of to overcome my fears is to slowly start trying stuff out. The "stuff" will be both tried and true (volunteering at the school; running errands without extra bodies to haul around) and brand new (finding new community projects to volunteer for; perhaps adding some extra work hours to my mornings). Time for some trial and error! Here's what I've done so far this year:

-I've applied for two jobs. The first was a music teacher position at my daughters' charter school. The second was a Library Assistant position at our county library. I found out right after school started that the music teacher position was filled. Honestly, I was more relived that disappointed. I was not too keen on working for the school, and I mainly applied to express my frustrations with the current music teacher working there (who has now, thankfully, been replaced). I knew I probably had the right skills to be a school music teacher, but I also knew I didn't have the right attitude. So it's for the best that I didn't get that job, and I will cheer on whichever music teachers were hired!

The library position situation is a little more interesting. I applied for the job via the Pima County's online job website all the way back in June. When I didn't hear anything, I started looking around for other opportunities, including a volunteer position in a different library (more on that in a minute). Then, out of the blue (and about six weeks later), I received another e-mail from Pima County, asking me several follow-up questions about my technical knowledge and teaching experience. Some of the questions were very embarrassing to answer; to answer them honestly was to basically admit I currently have a lot of gaps in my technology know-how. It made me feel more out of the loop and unemployable than ever! However, some of the other questions Pima County asked made me feel a little bit better...especially their question about my experiences working with children and teens in a volunteer capacity. Hello, church service! At least I was able to sound competent in some aspects of my life.

That e-mail has been sent off. Who knows if I'll ever get another response? (but if I do, you can be sure I'll let you know!). At the very least, applying for these two jobs has helped me feel braver about putting myself out there in the public eye. These experiences have helped teach me the things I don't know, and the things I need to start re-learning. It gives me focus and direction as far as planning my next career moves. I am starting to suspect that going back to work will be a more gradual, step-by-step process than I'd first anticipated. I hope I can get myself ready for it properly!

-I've also taken on two community service assignments. Thanks to Justserve.org, the LDS Church's community outreach website, I've found opportunities to help people while the girls are away at school. The first such opportunity was at the nearby Casa Community Center, a part of the La Posada assisted-living center. Every Friday afternoon, the residents have a "music hour," in which someone plays a few dozen tunes from decades past, and the residents sing (and dance!) along. The regular piano player went on a lengthy vacation, and I was asked to fill in. Thankfully, the regular lady left all her music behind for me to copy and practice. There are a lot of great tunes in this packet ("Let Me Call You Sweetheart" "Buffalo Gal," "God Bless America," "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling," and many more), and it has been great fun to both practice them and perform them. It's been nice to see the resident's eyes light up, and smiles cross their faces. I'm honestly not that great at playing all the songs (since I don't have time to focus on any one song, I've had to settle for being "fair" at all the songs), but thankfully the residents and staff don't seem to mind. I will be playing at the center for four consecutive Fridays; after that, I hope to contact the center again for other opportunities in the future...perhaps with some of my friends!

The second assignment came up shortly after the music hour opportunity: a local school needed help in its library! Since I seem to be in a "library" kind of mood, I immediately signed up. The school in question is the Continental School, which is a bit of a drive from home. However, I'll only be going once a week for a couple of hours, so I doubt it will be a huge drain on my time. I've already met with the librarian and her assistants, been given the library tour, and had the opportunity to re-shelve a bunch of the books. For some reason, I find shelving books incredibly soothing, so I have a feeling I'm going to love the heck out of this job. It's possible that, in the future, I will help out a bit with check-out, but only time will tell. For now, I'm happy with keeping the library organized. Plus, everyone who works there seems very nice. The kids are disappointed that I'm not working at our school's library. But I say that anything is possible! At the very least, volunteering at the library for several months will give me a better idea of what it's like to work at a library, should I ever decide to apply for employment at a library again (or should I decide to pursue a graduate degree in library science, as I am currently considering). I am very much looking forward to this service!

-I've gone out to breakfast twice, and out to lunch once. Now that many of my friends and I are "empty-nesters," we can eat out without fear of our kids causing a scene. And we don't have to worry about the kid's tastes! We can eat anywhere! Hooray for freedom! Of course, we don't have the money for me to eat out every single day, so these were special occasions. On the first day of school, many of the charter-school moms went to a local place called Mountain View Cafe & Bakery. We had tasty pastries and breakfast burritos and bemoaned our "empty-nester" state. Since our charter school starts a week earlier than everyone else, we "had to" celebrate our freedom again the following week when the public-school moms were "freed." This time, we went up to Tucson to try out the Blue Willow, a tasty brunch place with delicious omelettes. Then, last but not least, a group of ladies had to go try Costa Vida, a casual Mexican chain that's basically a clone of Cafe Rio, which seems to be very popular amongst Mormons. But since there is currently no Cafe Rio in Tucson, Costa Vida it would be! But even if the food was only "okay," the company more than made up for it. Whew! Now, to avoid going out to eat again for a little while. While I like the opportunity to do so, I want to keep it a "special" occasion.

-I've found new time to exercise. When I can, I'll still go to volleyball and Zumba. But now I have more time to visit the gym as well. It is still a little hot outside to go running, but once the weather cools down somewhat, I'm planning on going out for a jog at least once a week. I have really missed running this summer! And just within the last week, my friend Cindy has invited me to her boxing "club" (not "fight club." WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB). Basically, we all go to her garage and take turns blocking for one another while we practice our jabs, hooks, uppercuts, and kicks. I'll need to purchase some boxing gloves in order to attend regularly, but I really want to. I have tried the boxing moves out a couple of times now, and I was surprised how much I liked it. It makes my wimpy little arms ache like crazy, but it's a "satisfied" kind of ache...the satisfaction one can only get from punching something really hard. More to the point, I have wanted to do a regular arm strengthening exercise for a long time, and the boxing club might just fit the bill. I certainly hope I can attend regularly!

-I've gotten two new church callings. I had wondered for a while if I'd be ward choir director much longer; then voila! I was released in late July. I learned a lot as ward choir director, and came to really enjoy the calling. However, I will be excited to try something new for a little while. Now, I am serving back in Primary again (yay!). I am teaching a class of 7-8 year olds on Sundays (Celeste is one of my students!). My other calling is Activity Days leader for the 10-11 year old girls. Basically, two times a month, we hold an hour-long group activity at our house, teaching the girls a new skill, playing a game, sharing a spiritual thought, or some combination of all three. I am a little nervous about the upcoming calling, but I am hoping to receive help from parents, daughters, and previous leaders. Oh, and Pinterest, too. Ugh...I usually try to avoid Pinterest, but darn it, they have so many good Activity Day ideas there! I guess it's time to nurture my inner craft-hound (if, in fact, said inner craft-hound actually exists).

But that's all the new stuff I've done since the kids entered school. The biggest news in my life since becoming an empty-nester is:

-I'm still running all the same errands I've always run, just without kids in the car. I really thought my days would be a lot easier when the kids were gone. I thought I'd have more leisure time. I thought wrong! I still have to go grocery shopping; I still have to do the laundry; I still have to run up to Tucson to buy my piano students their new books; I still have to train for my volunteer activities; I still have to go pick up Grandma's mail; I still have to pick up that thing for Nathan at the store...and that other thing for Lorelai at that other store...and that other thing for Aurora, or was it Celeste? And I still have to teach piano in the afternoons (all my kids showed back up this fall, so it's time for busy afternoons once again). And I still have to blog, and fill out online surveys for money, and clean out the toilets, and make sure the bushes are trimmed, and water the plants, and vacuum the floors, and dust the ceiling fans, and...and...and...

Whew! I have realized that my life will not slow down at all now that I have no kids at home. All that changes is the rhythm, or speed, at which I accomplish all those tasks. Now, with no kids dictating the flow of my day, I need to take special care to be responsible and efficient, or I find myself missing a meal or skipping an important task to play on the Internet. I guess part of my kids growing up is that I have to "grow up" a little bit, too, and work a little harder at staying on task. I pray that I'm up for it...and I pray that as this school year progresses, I will find ways to make those tasks effective, meaningful, and beneficial to myself and my family. Wish me luck! And to all you other moms in the same boat as me, I say: Good luck!