Families Can Be Together Forever

Two weeks ago today, we held the memorial service for my father-in-law, Glenn Barrett. The days leading up to the service (and the day itself) are a big blur of preparation, high emotion, and reflection. I wanted to jot down a few scattered thoughts about that experience before my busy life overtakes a few small memories.

First of all, I have very few pictures of that whole weekend. That shouldn't really be a surprise; running around at a memorial service snapping random photographs didn't feel natural or appropriate. Also, the service itself was relatively simple and free of ornamentation (as Glenn would doubtless have wanted). There were a couple of large floral arrangements in the chapel, a small table with some pictures of Glenn in the foyer, and a slide show Nathan put together on our computer that was shown on a television at both the church (for the service) and the country club (where we had a luncheon afterwards).

 

Glenn had chosen to be cremated, not buried, following his death, and dealing with that has been a new and different experience. In some ways, cremation seems to have a lot of advantages over a traditional burial. It's much cheaper (like, thousands & thousands of dollars cheaper, since you don't have to worry about purchasing a coffin/burialplot/etc.). If you are uncomfortable with dead bodies, cremation removes the need to deal with that aspect of death. Glenn had asked that his ashes be scattered in a few different places. Some of the ashes are to be poured into a locket that will be worn by Sandra. Another portion of the ashes are to be scattered/buried along the fifth hole of the Green Valley Country Club's golf course (Glenn eagled that hole once, and counts that experience as one of his golfing highlights). And interestingly, he wants the remainder of his ashes to be scattered on the grounds of an LDS temple. Although Glenn and Sandra haven't been active church members for a number of years now, it was nice to hear that he still holds the temple in high esteem. We're not sure at which temple we'll be scattering the ashes; but another advantage of cremation is that we are not bound by a time limit to make that decision.

Regardless of whether Glenn was cremated or buried, this has still been a very difficult time for Sandra. She has found herself crying as little things (smells, objects, random words) remind her of what she's lost. Thankfully, all her children were able to come down for the memorial service and be there to give her comfort. Most of them (including many of their families) had been able to travel to Arizona earlier in the year to visit with Glenn when he was still relatively healthy & active. Most of these visits had had emotional "closure," but it was still good to have everyone in one place for the week.

Nathan's sister, Kelli, drove all through the night from Colorado to Arizona the night before Glenn's death, making it into town just a few hours before his passing. Kelli, Nathan, and Sandra, along with two dear family friends, were able to be at Glenn's bedside when he passed away in the early afternoon of October 16th. His final hours were relatively peaceful; he had trouble breathing, but he was unconscious for most of the night and the following morning. Two more of Nathan's brothers (Ryan and Evan) spent the day driving to Arizona as well, but unfortunately made it into town a few hours after Glenn passed away. Ryan's wife Judy, and his son Cameron, arrived a few hours after that. The final two brothers (Grant and Blake) arrived together about a day later.

Nathan's family is not always close; in fact, as Glenn's health was failing earlier this year, there were some arguments and some hurt feelings between a few family members. Luckily, those feelings were mostly put aside for this weekend together, and everyone got along very well. There was a lot of laughing, sharing, golfing, eating, and drinking. Well, not all of us drank...Nathan and I, being the boring Mormons we are, mostly sat and watched as a fair amount of alcohol was consumed. However, I was happy when I saw that the drinking was a way for the family to bond and relax, and numb their grief somewhat. It actually made me a tiny bit jealous that I wasn't able to "blur my emotional edges" in the same way (but don't tell my bishop!).

Through all of this, I was left amazed at what an awesome, thoughtful, caring, hardworking husband I have. I love Nathan so much, and I was so proud at how well he handled all the arrangements for the service without totally losing his cool. I spent the week feeling somewhat emotionally separated from my husband...but I did not begrudge him that time. Nathan was able to bond with his family more than he has in quite a while. He kept his mind very focused on the memorial service, and he put it together in a way that was tasteful, timely, and in keeping with his father's wishes. He was able to be there for his mother, supporting her emotionally and helping her make decisions big and small. He wrote an absolutely beautiful eulogy, which he delivered perfectly at the service. I was left somewhat in awe of his amazing speaking skills, and his poise throughout everything. I hope I can do half as well when I lose one of my parents (which hopefully won't happen for a while!).

The other big thing that stood out to me over that long weekend was how wonderful and supportive our LDS ward members were...and how supportive Glenn & Sandy's country club members were as well! Technically, Nathan's parents live in a neighboring ward's boundaries, but they are better known in our own ward, since when they came to church, it was always with us. From the day of Glenn's death, we had people calling, dropping by flowers or food, or otherwise offering their services. Several members of our ward cooked large dinners (for 10+ adults), sometimes on very short notice. Two friends of mine willingly juggled their busy schedules to come help me perform an instrumental musical number at the service. Several other friends participated in another musical number...an all-male chorus singing the hymn "The Day Dawn Is Breaking" in Spanish ("El alba ya rompe," a favorite of Glenn's). Many of these men had to take the morning off work last-minute to participate, yet they did so gladly, and the results were wonderful.

Throughout that whole weekend, I had many people volunteer to baby-sit, run errands, and do many other things. To think Nathan and I had just a week ago been dwelling on how our friendships were fading away! Perhaps, the Lord was reminding us of how blessed we truly are and how many people really do care for us. Besides all the other feelings swirling around us that weekend, the feeling that we were loved and supported by so many was humbling and gratifying.

On the Green Valley side of things, we were thrilled to see so many people reach out their hands in service, love, and friendship. Glenn and Sandra are very active members of their country club (in fact, Glenn was the treasurer of the HOA for a long time), and many of the country club members were quick to rush to Sandra's side. They provided just as many meals as the members of our ward, and they called regularly. Since Glenn's passing, Sandra has been contacted several times a week by their local friends, and invited out to several activities. At the memorial service, the country club members probably made up about 75% of the attendees...and there were more than 100 people present! Seeing that closeness and support was inspiring to Nathan and I; it reinforced our belief that Sandra is in the right place right now, and that she will have the support of many friends for a long time to come.

My own role at the memorial service was not too involved; I gave a short talk on God's Plan of Salvation, and on our church's belief in the resurrection. Without becoming too technical, I spoke on Jesus Christ and His role in our being reunited with our loved ones after our mortal lives have ended. I was very nervous about speaking at an event like this, but I think the Lord helped me muddle through without making too many mistakes. Besides that, I performed an arrangement of the hymn "Come Follow Me" (it was a flute duet with piano accompaniment); I also think the Lord buoyed me up and helped me through this number as well.

At the country club luncheon afterwards, all the other siblings got their chance to take the microphone and share some of their most special memories with their father. It was a fun occasion and a good opportunity to hear some more "Glenn stories." After that luncheon, Nathan spent much of the rest of the week with his family, but he also got to hear a lot of feedback from the country club members about the memorial service. It was gratifying to hear that the service was a positive experience for everyone. One person even told Nathan, "I'm not a believer...but this service made me want to be a Mormon." Many others commented that it was one of the finest memorial services they had ever attended. Some complimented me on my talk (whew, I'm glad some people liked it!), many people (rightfully) complimented Nathan on his amazing eulogy, and many others commented on the beauty & tastefulness of the stake center.

Overall, Nathan and I were grateful the LDS church made such a positive impression, and that it was so helpful to us during this difficult time. Nathan's family took note of it as well; a few of his brothers, more than once that weekend, commented that "the Mormons are just so organized and helpful." I think all the support may have startled them a little bit, since they have been inactive for many years and aren't really involved in church culture. Who knows? Perhaps this memorial service helped a lot of people see the church in a new light this month, and maybe the good feelings there will open doors for missionary efforts in the future. At the very least, we were grateful that everyone felt the comforting presence of the Holy Spirit, and were brought closer to Christ. I know I was!