Vigil For Glenn Barrett

I haven't blogged as much as I'd like this year, for a number of reasons. One of the biggest reasons is my father-in-law's failing health, and now his imminent passing.

I'm still awake, very late on a Wednesday night; the kids are asleep upstairs. Nathan isn't home with me; he's at his parent's house in Green Valley, keeping vigil with his mother as Glenn Barrett, his father (my father-in-law) slowly passes from our world into the next. We have known this moment was coming for more than three years now, but still it has caught Nathan and I off-guard this week. We are still coming to grips with what is happening.

At this writing (to the best of my knowledge), Glenn is resting comfortably, though he is not very lucid; the morphine and the respiratory problems keep him in a fog. Sitting here in front of the computer, far from the "action," I feel lonely, soul-sick, and terribly worried about my family. Nathan has been very strong and positive over the last several months, but his father's quick decline in the last month has hit him hard, and he is struggling to keep it together. My heart aches even more for my amazing mother-in-law, Sandra; she and Glenn have been inseparable for their 42 years of marriage, and this impending separation could be very difficult for her.

We are all sorrowful tonight; it was very hard to take the girls to Grandma & Grandpa's house to say goodbye. Lorelai in particular has been crying most of the night, and was very shaken to see Grandpa in a bedridden state. All the girls were a little afraid of him. Aurora didn't fully understand what was happening, which was particularly sad in its own way. Each of them got a chance to give Grandpa a goodbye kiss. At one point, after Celeste leaned in for a hug, Glenn roused himself briefly, and his eyes lit up with joy and recognition to see his beloved granddaughters. It was a very sweet moment, and I'm so grateful he was able to see them there. I hope that is a memory that will bring him some comfort in the time to come.

At times like this, I wish I could be more than just the one who "takes care of the kids." I wish I could provide meals, transportation, even a shoulder to cry on...anything. Perhaps in the near future, I will have that opportunity. At this point, all I can do is wait for that phone call I know will soon come...the call that will announce the next stage of the Barrett family's existence. Until then, our focus just gets narrower and narrower, counting each ragged breath, wondering how many are left.

Ironically, I am not sure if I've ever mentioned Glenn's health issues before on the family blog...and tonight, I'm too tired & strung out to bother checking. So I'll try to make a long story short...especially because Nathan will want to write about this in greater detail later, when he has time:

Glenn & Sandra planned to move down to Green Valley, AZ, as early as 2007, when they bought their first vacation home here. They would eventually buy three more homes, most of which they rented out for snowbirds. When Glenn finally retired for good in October of 2009, they moved to Arizona and became year-round residents. It was a nice change to have family close by; we hadn't lived this close to family members since 2002, when we still lived in Utah.

Besides the free babysitting (which was always nice!), Glenn & Sandra were always quick to offer good advice or help whenever it was needed. Without them, we wouldn't have been able to purchase the wonderful home in which we live. I will always be grateful for the many, many ways in which they have helped Nathan and myself. Plus, it has been wonderful to get to know them as people and grow closer to them.

In April of 2011, Glenn noticed some blood in his urine. He didn't worry too much about it because he otherwise felt quite healthy. However, he did go in for an appointment with a urologist just to be safe. His world (and ours) was turned upside down when the doctor diagnosed him with stage IV renal cell carcinoma (kidney cancer, in layman's terms). He was initially given months to live. We were all stunned and saddened. Glenn, however, stayed mostly positive; he showed great perspective by focusing on all the wonderful blessings and opportunities he'd had throughout his life. His attitude is one I hope to have myself should I ever face similar bleak news.

Fortunately, Glenn has been blessed with more time than we originally thought he'd have. He was put on some newer drugs, in the hope of arresting the cancer's growth without resorting to chemotherapy. The drug, named Sutent, worked better than anyone had expected. The cancer shrunk significantly, to the point where Glenn was able to have the infected kidney removed. He remained on the drug for two more years, and remained in pretty good health the whole time. He and Sandy were able to travel out of state for a few short vacations, and keep up their usual golf & recreation regimen.

This spring, X-rays found new cancerous growths developing in Glenn's body, this time near his lungs and spine. Although the Sutent had worked well for a time, the cancer had unfortunately found a way to "work around" it. A few more medications were tried this summer, most of which left Glenn feeling very ill and dejected. Last week, he went in for what was his final MRI, to determine if any of the medications had been effective in stopping the cancer. Sadly, they hadn't. He was put on hospice care and will hopefully end his life peacefully, surrounded by his loving wife, son and friends. A few more of Nathan's siblings are on their way; I hope they make it down here in time.

I am going to let Nathan fill you in on the details of my father-in-law's life; suffice it to say, I have grown to love and respect him very much. When Nathan and I were first engaged, I was pretty intimidated by him; he seemed very gruff and sarcastic, and even a little profane (of course, I was living in Utah when I first got acquainted with him, so any swearing felt a bit extreme). With time, however, I came to see how wise, humorous, and compassionate he was. As our family grew, I loved seeing Glenn's eyes light up with bemusement whenever he'd spend time with our energetic little girls. He is a great man, and I am lucky to have known him and to have married one of his children. Nathan owes so much of who he is to his father, and I won't ever forget that.

At times like this, I am so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't pretend to understand all of God's will, or the workings of the universe. However, my testimony of the plan of salvation is firm. I know that we existed as spirit beings before coming to this earth, and I know that our spirits live on after our physical bodies die. Best of all, I know we will one day be resurrected into a perfected, healthy physical body again. Thanks to Jesus Christ and his resurrection, our opportunity for immortality has been secured. We will live again, and we will be reunited with loved ones someday. This perspective helps me see our mortal lives as one small step in an eternal journey. At times it may seem painful, but I know these sufferings are small compared to the joy that awaits us. I will miss Glenn very much, but I know we will meet again.