In Which I Exercise By Escaping From Zombies And Getting Very Dirty

This will come as a surprise to few people, but I am not an exercise nut. I like my comfortable couch, television, and computer. I enjoy being sedentary (at least SOME of the time!). However, I'm getting older by the day, and starting to feel it...in other news, I've been gaining weight more easily these days, and looking a bit chubby in the process. So among other things, I've chosen to fight my mortality by working out more than I used to. If I'm going to be fat, at least I can be fit at the same time!

My goals to get more exercise are imperfect and sporadic...much of it depends on my kids' schedules, and since my girls are still relatively young, my free time is somewhat limited. I have been very fortunate over the last few years to have been part of an "exercise co-op" between myself and three other women in the neighborhood (while all friends of mine, the women participating has shifted over the years based on age, availability, etc.). Basically, once a week, I watch everyone else's kids for an hour; on three other days, someone else will watch my kids for an hour, and I can use that to exercise any way I see fit. It has been fun to try out many different workouts, all of which have been beneficial to me in some way.

Luckily, our neighborhood has a pretty nice clubhouse with several weight and aerobic machines. I have often rode the stationary bikes there, walked on the treadmill, done crunches, pull-ups, and other fun stuff. More recently, I started swimming laps in the clubhouse's pool, and that was my favorite workout yet! I am a pretty sweaty gal, and my complexion gets very flushed when I exercise (to the point that many concerned people approach me, worried I may pass out any minute. Not to worry, folks: that's just how I look post-exercise!).That's not a problem with swimming; I can push my body and get a hard workout, but I don't feel all flushed, sweaty and gross afterwards. Plus, my joints are pretty wimpy, but swimming puts almost no strain on them. It's a win-win! Unfortunately, the clubhouse pool was shut down several months ago for repairs...boo!

Most of the time when I run, I go around this lake in the middle of Rancho Sahuarita; the trail circling the lake is just under one mile long

So, for lack of anything else to try, I found myself running. Let me make one thing clear upfront: I am a very slow, not very good, runner. Some days, I can speed-walk faster than I run! But a funny thing happened over this winter...I actually found myself looking forward to my runs (infrequent though they sometimes were). I hated them while I was doing them, but there was a great satisfaction I felt after a run that was very different than many of my other types of working out. Slowly, slowly, I have been trying to increase the speed and distance of my runs over the last several months. Progress has been gradual, but noticeable. While I never see myself as a marathon (or even half-marathon) runner, I started making goals to participate in longer runs.

At the beginning of 2013, I made a New Year's resolution to participate in at least one 5K race in the next year. As it turned out, my first 5K opportunity turned up a lot faster than I expected...

...thanks to The Slaughterhouse, an old meat warehouse in Tucson that's been converted into a haunted house in recent years. Apparently, the owners of The Slaughterhouse are hoping to use their facility for more than just scaring folks in October...they organized a mud run called Escape The Walkers. It's a 5K mud run/obstacle course with one "scary" twist: you also have to avoid the "zombies" that wander the area (well, "actors DRESSED AS zombies," but that's what imagination is for)!

I was immediately intrigued by this idea. Since I get bored by "just" running for miles on end, a mud run sounded like a good way to "mix up" the exercise, and get a little dirty while doing it! Also, my nerdy, Zombieland-loving self relished the opportunity for make-believe...running away from the undead sounded like a definite adrenaline rush. Nothing like brain-eating, raging zombies to increase the heart-rate! (Time to share a clip from Zombieland to give you a clue as to what I had in mind...)

My decision to sign up was made even easier for two reasons: 1. Rita, a good friend of mine (she's in the Primary presidency with me AND she is an awesome athlete to boot) agreed to do the run with me; and 2. I found an online coupon that made registration quite affordable. Done, and done! The run was scheduled for March 23...I had about two months to get myself physically ready.

I was very excited to participate, but very nervous too. Having never done a 5K before, I didn't know what to expect and doubted my ability to participate. My time to exercise was still pretty limited (particularly in the weeks leading up to the run, due to my kids' Spring Break). I imagined the run as being populated by entirely skinny, muscled super-athletes, who would mock my paunch and my waddling jog while blowing past me effortlessly, scaling a 20-foot wall and beating a dozen zombies in the process.

The "rules" of the race that we read beforehand stated that each runner would have to wear six "flags" around their waist, and the zombies would try to steal them at every opportunity. If all your flags were taken, you would only receive a flimsy tinfoil medal at the end of the run ("survivors" with remaining flags would receive a more substantial medal). I made a humble goal to have at least one flag left by the end of the run. I prayed I wouldn't embarrass myself.

When the day of the race arrived, I was pretty nervous, but having Rita along was very encouraging. She is a very positive gal, and she promised to stay with me for the whole run. In addition, a few more of Rita's friends came along to run with us (most of them much more fit than me, but still...more warm bodies to distract the zombies!). The thought of running in a group was a new one for me, but an encouraging one for an event like this.

So...off into the zombie apocalypse we went!! Sorry I don't have pictures of the actual run, but I couldn't ruin my camera, could I?

The event registration was, unfortunately, pretty disorganized. We had originally signed up for the 8:00 am wave of runners, but on arrival, we were told there would be no wave until 8:30 (this meant that I totally missed Lorelai's baseball game...I think she forgave me, though!). And although every runner got a belt as promised, there were only three Velcro-attached "flags," not six, as had been originally promised. That got me a little worried again...my chances of escaping unscathed by the zombies was growing weaker all the time! 8:30 arrived...and still we waited, as the event organizers did a final check on all the obstacles.

While waiting to start, I was encouraged to see the variety of ages & physical types present. True, many of the runners were young, buff, and attractive...but just as many of them looked more like me (aka, None Of The Above)! Some runners were overweight; some were pretty old. All of them looked pretty excited to be there. It was pretty encouraging.

Finally, the alarm sounded, and off we went...through an initial gauntlet of zombies and through some shipping containers filled with hanging "corpses," complete with fluid dripping out of them...yuck!! It was an action-packed start, to be sure. The setting was perfect for a "zombie apocalypse"-style run; The Slaughterhouse is right in the middle of an old, run-down, heavily industrialized portion of town. Walking (and running, and crawling, and climbing) past quiet shuttered buildings, abandoned cars, empty storage facilities, and weedy vacant lots put me in a very post-apocalyptic mood.

Rita was having too much fun to be scared of these guys!

Of course, the zombies themselves added an element of horror to the whole thing...horror AND humor, as we found ourselves laughing at our own wimpy-ness on several occasions. Having people in costumes and makeup chasing you around while you're jumping into mud puddles, Dumpster-diving, climbing walls...it ended up feeling like a weird combination of haunted house and Tough Mudder. A weird AND awesome combination, I should say! Not only was my heart rate nice and elevated (for a variety of reasons!), but I was having a lot of fun.

There was a large divergence in "zombie" enthusiasm. All of them looked the part (splattered with blood and various other fluids, and wearing tattered mismatched clothing). They, too, were participants just like the runners; they'd paid a fee to be here, but they still behaved in very different ways. Some just stood there moaning, feebly reaching out for you as you ran past them easily. Others went full-tilt, 28 Days Later-style "rage zombie," roaring, screaming, and chasing you at full speed. They liked to congregate close by the obstacles (climbing walls, mud canals, and Dumpsters filled with tires, mostly). Thankfully, if you made it onto the obstacle, the zombies would back off (probably out of safety concerns). Their favorite trick was waiting for us to complete the obstacle, then "attack" us just as we were transitioning back to running. Most of the gals in my running party (myself included!) got our flags stolen this way.

Some zombies were sneaky, and all the more terrifying for it. One female zombie waited quietly in some bushes just off the path; she stepped out without any fanfare just a few feet in front of us before we walked by. Scared the daylights out of us! Another (very tall!) zombie walked up silently behind us as we were walking towards the final leg of the race, thinking the "threats" were all finally behind us. Only a quick glance behind us by Rita saved us that time...well, the quick glance followed by a whole lot of running!

The scariest part of the run for me occurred in a huge storage facility for shipping containers (tall rectangular metal boxes, about ten feet high and twenty feet long). The run organizers had strung about twenty of these narrow metal containers end-to-end, and the runners had  to go through them. Not surprisingly, a zombie was waiting for us at the entrance. His back was turned, and he slooooowly turned around and made ready to attack us...it got the blood pumping! As we ran pell-mell through the containers, other zombies randomly jumped in and started chasing us. If this had been a real zombie apocalypse, I'm ashamed to say I would have abandoned my friends to their deaths...I was too focused on running like crazy to save my own skin!


Most of the obstacles were pretty standard for this sort of run, I suppose. We had to crawl through a passageway criss-crossed with ropes; that required a lot of dexterity plus courage, since zombies were waiting greedily for us outside. There were several climbing walls, most of which were angled. One wall, however, was about 15 feet high, straight up and down...with nothing but a rope to aid us. I confess to chickening out and walking around that one (but everyone else in my group did, too, so I didn't feel TOO bad). There were also a couple of Dumpster-dives; the first few were only full of tires, but thanks to my wimpy arms I had a lot of trouble climbing out of them.

My shoes barely survived the ordeal

For a self-proclaimed "mud run," Escape The Walkers didn't have a whole lot of mud obstacles. This is probably because we were in a fairly urban area, and you can't just pour mud all over business parking lots. We did have the opportunity to dive into a muddy ditch or two early on in the run. Just before the final portion of the trail, we had to crawl under a bunch of giant wooden spools (the kind that carry power lines); of course, the ground beneath was very wet and gross.

However, the relative lack of mud in the early going was more than made up for at the end of the race, when we arrived at this ghastly arrangement (we had to crawl through a mountain of mud and under a chain-link fence to get here in the first place):

First, we had to dodge the zombies guarding the entrance. Then, we had to scale a wall of tires to get to the top of the storage bin. From there, it was a steep slide down a metal slope into a Dumpster full of mud. And I do mean "full"; the sewer-smelling cold muck came up almost to my waist. Then we got to repeat that delightful sequence two more times, getting wetter, slower, and more sore every time!

The last Dumpster was one of the long industrial models, and of course two zombies were waiting for you to emerge at the other end. At this point, however, we were within sight of the finish line, and apparently the event organizers decided to give the runners a little assist at this point...

...namely, a generic "Army guy," who stands there shooting at the zombies with his paintball rifle, urging everyone to safety. Nothing like a little role-playing "color" to give your zombie apocalypse a little authenticity!

After escaping the last round of zombies, we all got medals! Yay! I'll admit it, I was a clumsy oaf for much of the race, and according to the original rules of the run, I probably lost all my flags several times over by falling into the grasp of so many zombies. However, I think The Slaughterhouse must have decided it was better to just give everyone a medal instead. So I lucked out on that one!

Loving my bright shiny medal

Here's how it looks close up

At the end of it all, the six of us were sore, tired, bruised, covered in mud, and very smelly...but we all had huge smiles on our faces!

I honestly can't tell you if I did much "right" or "wrong" on this run. The run wasn't timed, so I don't know exactly how long we all took...off the top of my head, I would say we did it in about an hour (give or take several minutes). I wasn't the fastest runner by any stretch, but I wasn't the slowest either. My muscles were all incredibly sore for the rest of the day, and it took about 24 hours before I could get the smell of the foul sewer-mud out of my nose. For the next week, I kept discovering scrapes and bruises all over my body, sometimes in weird places (my elbow was bleeding immediately after the race). But in spite of all that, I can definitely say this: Escape The Walkers was a huge rush!

Bless these guys' undead hearts...they were willing to put up with our endless post-race photographs. For zombies, those guys weren't half bad.

This was probably the best possible experience I could have had on my first-ever run. I ran with a friend, and a bunch of other very sweet, patient ladies. We all had a great sense of humor about the whole thing, and were laughing at ourselves the whole time. The pace was relatively leisurely, and I didn't feel much pressure to go at full-speed...except when zombies were chasing me, of course! And although some may think less of "themed" races, I can honestly say the whole experience was a hoot, and I would do it again in a heartbeat! In fact, if The Slaughterhouse hosts this race next year, I hope to convince a few of my other friends to join in the fun.

I will probably never be a lean mean machine...but I think this experience gave me confidence and a feeling of accomplishment. It's a feeling of triumph I've never had before...most of my accomplishments tend to be more of the "domestic" or "artsy" variety. It's nice to perform a physical feat (however imperfectly); it makes me feel like a more well-rounded person. I hope to try a more traditional 5K later in the year, one that will test my endurance more harshly. Wish me luck!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go clean myself off...