I'm "Done"...But I'm Not "Finished"

Please forgive me some deeply personal reflections in this post...much of what I want to write has been weighing heavily on my mind for a while now. If you want to come back later, I will totally understand.

Is anyone still here?

Okay then.

Our latest Christmas season was busy, stressful, and very enjoyable, as usual. But this time, despite all the fun we had as a family, there was a small sorrow in the back of my mind. For a short time, earlier in 2012, I had anticipated becoming a mother (again) at Christmastime, and adding another child to our family. Instead of that happening, I had a miscarriage in late May, and our second December baby (and fourth child) did not end up happening.

I have reflected on that a lot lately, not only because that baby's due date has come and gone, but because that was (likely) the last time I'll be pregnant again. As 2012 came to a close, Nathan and I decided it was time to act on a decision that we'd been putting off for several months...we decided it was time to stop trying for another baby. It was time to call our family "complete," and move on to the next stage of our lives.

Making this decision has been harder than I ever thought possible. It has meant more than a year of waiting, praying, hoping, agonizing, grieving, and stressing. It has meant sleepless nights on my knees in prayer. It has meant agonizing confusion and near-paralyzing uncertainty about planning our future. It has meant tension and sometimes disagreement between my beloved husband and myself. It has meant the shedding of many tears for many different reasons.

It has been, if nothing else, a "learning experience." Sometimes, I learned things I didn't want to learn, but needed to know anyway. Maybe the biggest thing I've learned is that my experience in reaching this decision is mine and my family's alone. No one else, no matter how well-meaning, could have made this decision for me. And this decision was made between three people; myself, my husband Nathan, and our Father in Heaven. That said, other people in a similar position to us may still end up with very different results, or feel moved to act differently in their situation...and that's fine. Everyone's experience is going to be different and uniquely necessary for themselves.

It is hard nonetheless, because I know for sure that in spite of my decision, I will probably second-guess it from time to time. I will probably feel some small regrets now and then. I will have to stop myself from making comparisons with others and having feelings of inadequacy while among my peers. Mormon culture is very family-oriented; large families are still the norm (although average family size has shrunk somewhat over the years). My own mother "only" had three children, and she has told me she felt nervous about that fact her whole life. She told me she often felt intimidated or "judged" by her peers who had more children than she had. Whether these suspicions were justified or not (I suspect they weren't), I now understand why she felt the way she did. It's always a temptation to compare ourselves to others, and family size is one very obvious measuring stick for "status" (whatever that means in this context). Now I wonder if I will feel the same way as my girls get older and no new children appear to accompany them.

I'll admit it...one reason this was such a hard decision for me was because I have three girls. I am a tomboy. I prefer action movies to chick flicks, love watching football on TV, hate Barbies, don't like braiding hair, get bored shopping for clothes, etc. I wanted boys as a young wife: I wanted to get down and dirty, play Transformers, watch all the cool cartoons, go to lots of baseball & soccer games, and (more importantly) teach my boys how to be young gentlemen. I wanted to raise righteous, polite, upstanding young men, who could receive the priesthood and serve missions. I wanted to continue our family name.

Ironically, if Aurora had been born a boy, Nathan and I would have gladly called it quits after three kids. Instead, after the sonogram in the summer of 2009, when we discovered Girl Number Three was on the way, I went home and cried for days...and our years-long "will we or won't we?" march began. Lest I worry any of my readers, I am no longer sad that Aurora is not a boy. A few years have gone by--I've grown older and a little wiser--and I am utterly in love with all my girls and eternally grateful for all of them. Still, I'd be lying if I didn't say that the thought of trying "just one more time for that boy" wasn't a strong motivator for me for a long time.


Nathan and I normally agree on everything...and this was an issue we never fully agreed on. We never fought over our family's size...we always did our best to understand one another and respect one another's feelings. However, at the end of the day, he would always feel one way on the subject (that our family felt "complete") and I would feel differently (in general, I was more "pro-baby"). During my really low times (which thankfully were rare), I sometimes felt far away from Nathan, not understanding how two people who loved each other so much could feel fundamentally different about such a big issue. But Nathan never belittled my feelings; he still loved me even when I drove him nuts (often over many things besides just babies!).

Of course, I always held out hope I would receive an "answer from above," and that Heavenly Father would tell me if I was meant to have another kid. After all, hadn't I heard so many women say they knew there was one more child waiting for them in heaven? And what about those women who have said they had a "vivid dream" about their future progeny? Why couldn't Heavenly Father give me an answer like that?

Well guess what? Nowadays, those stories drive me crazy! I have never felt strong spiritual impressions about any of my kids. I never received a revelation/dream/vision/whatever telling me I was going to have another son or daughter. I never had that impression with any of my first three kids, and after two years of constant (sometimes desperate) prayer, I never had any revelation of any additional children whatsoever.

The "silence from Heaven" was very distressing at times. I needed those bells and whistles, I needed that descending neon sign, so I could convince Nathan that a fourth child was necessary! Or, barring that, I needed that stupor of thought, or that dread spiritual warning, that no more children were required of me. Either way, I needed an answer so I could take action (is it obvious I am a goal-oriented person?) Instead, after two years, I had gotten exactly zero direct answers from my Father in Heaven on this subject.

It was frustrating. It was disheartening. At times, it was even a bit faith-challenging. However, I was feeling strong spiritual impressions in many other aspects of my life, so I knew (and still know today) that Heavenly Father was watching over me and helping me. So why wasn't he helping me make this decision--certainly a very big, important, impactful decision? The answer (which came to me very gradually and which I reluctantly accepted) was that He trusted me to make the right decision on my own. He was treating me as an "adult": He wanted me to come to my own conclusions. And my Father in Heaven was okay with whatever I decided to do.

It was intimidating to realize that Heavenly Father wanted us to make this decision ourselves. But I know He didn't forsake me and leave me to do it on my own. He was still there, filled with love for me, supporting me through the process, and letting me come to an answer naturally, using the free agency which was one of His greatest gifts. So, bit by bit, I worked my way towards where I am now.

There was no single event or factor that made me realize I was "done"; it was a lot of little things clicking into place (or out of place, as it were). My age was one large factor. When Nathan and I first got married, we waited a little while to start our family. I didn't have my first baby until I was almost 29 years old. Sometimes, I wonder what could have been if we'd started out earlier...but looking back on our life, I honestly think all our decisions wouldn't have led us down any other path than the one we are on now. We don't regret any of those decisions! I am still pretty healthy today, but recent weight gain, additional fatigue, and lousy joints are small, constant reminders that I'm getting older. I know that at this point, another baby would be very hard physically, through pregnancy and beyond.

There are plenty of other "little" reasons, too. I always wanted my children to be close in age (so they could hopefully be close friends, as my siblings and I were). Having a final child at home for several extra years would make it much harder to return to college, or get a job--two things I have long hoped to do once my children grew older. Family finances are also an issue: we are certainly not poor, but our budget has become tight even with three children, and it would become much more strained with a fourth child added into the mix.

I'm sure many of you reading this may be thinking, "Wimp...I know women who have children into their forties!" Or maybe, "Those reasons all sound pretty vague to me!" Or even, "All this justification is bogus...you still want another kid, obviously. You need to get pregnant again!" Well, all those thoughts are completely understandable, and I am totally fine with you feeling that way. But my reasons are my reasons, as I said before, not anyone else's. The decision not to have any more kids is a hard decision. Maybe some women come to it very easily; to them, I say, "Awesome! I am very happy for you!" But I suspect many people agonize over it as I have. And I feel that (right now, at least) this is the right decision for our family. I know it; Nathan knows it; and Heavenly Father knows it as well.

Another important thing I'm realizing is that "more kids" does not automatically equal "better mother." My own mother "only" had three kids...and we all turned out pretty darn good, thanks in no small part to my mother's incredible efforts. Just because I'm not having six kids doesn't mean I am a lesser parent, or "doing something wrong," or "not trying that hard." Nathan and I are "done" in the sense that we aren't having any more babies in this life...but we are certainly not "done" as parents. We will never be "finished" being parents...that is an adventure that will stretch on into eternity! We are getting very excited for the "next phase" of parenting; moving away from diapers and Sesame Street, and towards the wonderful worlds of school, sports, dance classes, family vacations, reading together, and growing closer emotionally and spiritually. It is an exciting time to look forward to, and we plan on committing ourselves wholeheartedly!


Our family visited the Mesa Arizona Temple in late December of 2012, and I was able to take a trip inside while Nathan watched the kids. Coincidentally, that same morning, I had met with my obstetrician in Tucson. During the appointment, I admitted to her I was probably done having children. Thankfully, my obstetrician is a loving, supportive woman...we wept over my lost baby, and cried together as I told her I felt a little alone and unsure of what to do with myself next

Without relating too much about a sacred experience in a sacred place, I will say that a prayer inside the temple to my Father in Heaven was answered that day. It wasn't answered with bells, whistles, instructions, or specific suggestions. However, I felt His love so powerfully that it is impossible to describe. In essence, He whispered to my heart: "I love you very much. You are my daughter. I am proud of you. I am with you. I know you are trying, and that you will keep trying. I am happy with your offerings unto Me. You don't need to worry about this any more. Be at peace and trust me. I will always be there for you."

I suspect I will still have some bad days. I still cry unexpectedly about that lost baby at times. Several of my friends are still growing their families...it will be hard to see them welcome new little babies into their homes, at least for the first year or so. However, I know my Father in Heaven is with me, that He supports me, and that He has many more blessings in store for me. He has already sent me three wonderful blessings:

Some women I know yearn with all their hearts and souls for more children...or any children at all. To them, my long rambling blog post probably seems like ungrateful wallowing. To them, I apologize. I would truly be ungrateful if I didn't thank my Father in Heaven every day for my beautiful girls, the joy they bring to my life, and the inspiration they give me to be a better mother.

I love these sweet girls.